Celebrity Big Brother

Am I the only one a little baffled by the knighthood awarded to Big Brother developer Peter Bazalgette? He didn’t, after all, invent the format but merely inflicted it on the British public. Presumably, his place in the New Year’s Honours List is also for the fact that he’s been closely associated with Deal Or No Deal and Ready, Steady Cook. Somebody in Buckingham Palace or Whitehall must be a fan, though that probably proves that having nobility or a position of power isn’t necessarily a guarantee of good taste.

In all honesty, Celebrity Big Brother 2012 should probably be re-titled ‘I Want To be A Celebrity, Get Me In There!’. It speak volumes about the quality of this year’s rumoured housemates that The Only Way Is Essex cast member Sam Faiers, more shallow than a child’s paddling pool, is still the 5/1 favourite with Boylesports even though she’s already said she won’t be taking part. We are, apparently, to be subjected of three weeks of Frankie Cocozza however. Kicked off the X Factor after he was allegedly heard boasting of a coke-fuelled sex romp, the only question I would ask is why he wasn’t shown the door earlier? The X Factor describes itself as a talent show so how the apparently talentless Mr Cocozza got through the auditions doesn’t say much about those who failed. Appearing on CBB looks another pathetic attempt to gain notoreity and a few quid – is it any wonder that presenters past and present, Davina McCall and Brian Dowling, have been forced on the defensive this week?

Denise Welch has also been popular with punters (6/1 with Boylesports). Best known nowadays for her role in school soap ‘Waterloo Road‘ and as a regular on ‘Loose Women’, I still know her best as the wife of a somebody who used to be in ‘Auf Wiedersehen, Pet’  but then I am getting a bit long in the tooth. I can’t work it out, does Ms Welch or her agent really think spending three weeks, and opening herself up to ridicule,  in the company of a bunch of nobodies and never-will-bes will enhance her career? I suppose you could level the same criticism at one-time ‘Eastender‘ Natalie Cassidy, though she undoubtedly has more incentive to be locked away in the new Big Brother house. At least in there she won’t need to worry about what ex-fiance Adam Cottrell is doing to get around his restraining order. Maybe Natalie deserves a break and she can be backed at 6/1 with Boylesports, she’s only 4/1 at Paddy Power.

Apparently, dire duo Jedward have had written into contracts that they won’t be subjected to a haircut during their time in the new Celebrity Big Brother, the line-up for which is unveiled this week. Worryingly for their fans, however, it doesn’t rule out somebody hitting both over the head with a house brick. Channel 5 have taken over the broadcasting rights from Channel 4 but the revamped fly-on-the-wall show has already run into hot water. Sally Bercow, wife of the House Of Commons Speaker who courted controversy before when she posed for some revealing photos, has allegedly been given £60,000 to appear on top of £100,000 fee that’s to be donated to charity. No doubt her new publicist, the irrespressible Max Clifford, had something to do with that but the payout has angered some MPs who claim she shouldn’t be allowed to cash in on her connection to Parliament.

Mrs Bercow is a 14/1 chance with William Hill to win and, of course, this being Big Brother, she isn’t the only controversial figure who’ll be taking her place in the house. The actual line-up won’t be confirmed until the celebrities walk through the door but, along with pop legends Jedward (who I understand will only count as a single contestant and are 3/1 to win with William Hill and Boylesports), Twitter has revealed that The Only Way Is Essex star Amy Childs will definitely be taking part and Paddy Power have her as a 4/1 chance. I must admit, I’ve never seen The Only Way Is Essex - is it anything to do with a satnav and the M25? I did see a trailer once but couldn’t understand a word of it, I think they were talking through the bottom of a can of lager. The much-maligned Kerry Katona is another rumoured housemate and gets a 16/1 quote from Victor Chandler and Paddy Power but it’s disappointing to see the once-great Ricky Hatton stoop so low., though I suppose even Celebrity Big Brother is a step up from that truly awful car insurance ad that somebody persuaded him to do last year. The ‘Hitman’ is 10/1 with Boylesports and Victor Chandler. He might be entertaining as I get the impression poor old Ricky doesn’t do well when faced with a script.

Apart from Amy Childs and Kerry Katona, the glamour (and I use that term under advisement) is likely to be provided by ageing ‘Baywatch’ babe Pamela Anderson, who will no doubt spend most of her time reflecting on just what went wrong. She is 10/1 with Victor Chandler. Given the potential for sparks to fly between the ladies, it’s no surprise to see that a female is favourite to be the first evicted at 4/7 with Stan James but the one consolation is that they won’t have to face a squirming interview with Davina McCall. Former Big Brother winner Brian Dowling has taken over presenting duties.

A celebrity is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as ‘ a famous person’. An equally well known source of reference describes the word as meaning someone who is ‘ widely recognised and commanding a high degree of public and media attention’. None of which applies to the majority of contestants in the last-ever Celebrity Big Brother, which has lurched into life this week. The plug is being pulled on the reality TV house after 2010 and, looking at this year’s line-up, many would probably say it’s 12 months too late! I want a show of hands if you’ve ever heard of Basshunter, Sisqo or Heidi Fleiss. How about Alex Reid and Dane Bowers who are, apparently, love rivals for Jordan? Is any man honestly desperate enough to fight over the woman? Then we have Ekaterina Ivanova, whose tenuous claim to ‘fame’ is that she was once assaulted by a Rolling Stone. This, remember, is a show turned down by Gazza and Russell Grant, a man who normally never passes up an opportunity for self publicity. What was most entertaining about the opening introductions was the fact that not even the ‘celebrities’ appeared to know who their housemates were or what they were supposed to be famous for. Stephanie Beacham‘s face, for example, might have been familiar to fans of Tenko or The Colbys 20 years ago but she’s hardly a household name nowadays, while I don’t know about you but the prospect of a month locked up with born again Christian Stephen Baldwin (less talented brother of Alec and William) would probably have me drowning myself in the house’s ornate bath tub before the first eviction vote. Thank heavens, therefore, for Vinnie Jones (and I never though I’d say that)! The Wimbledon-turned-Hollywood hard man at least has a recognised profile and he may be the only thing saving the show as a betting medium. Jones has been just about the only contestant attracting market support (a best 5-2 with Betfred) and would probably be even more popular if he started throwing his weight around the most desperate collection of wannabes and nobodies ever collected under one roof. Being an old fan of Dynasty I’ll probably have a bit of a saver on Stephanie Beacham at 10-1 (Stan James) who, at least, is showing signs of having a bit of character. But as for the rest, should they really be allowed back into society?